A Journey Into Joy
Step 3 — Week 2: The Refusal
Step 3 has us looking at what makes us turn away from “the call” we established in Step 2.
With this step, it’s time to look at the fears, disbeliefs, a sense of inadequacy, or plain unwillingness to make the sacrifices that are require…in other words: basically anything that keeps us from answering “the call” in some area (or areas) of our life (work, health, relationships, personal, leisure, play, and so on). For me I plan to continue with the areas covered in the weeks of Step 1.
To join in on the journey, visit the MandalaoftheMonth.com to download the mandala and learn more about this step.
Here’s my journal entry for step 3–week 2: Home
When it comes to not taking good care of my home, property, and possessions, I’m pretty sure it comes from a fear of becoming like my parents. How lame is that? I know, I’m self-judging. My mom was a neat freak…the weird thing is I don’t think she wanted to be but that she felt like she had to be because of her fear of being judged as a horrible wife and mother. It was all about image.
I really don’t want to go into it right now with all the stories…mainly because it would make this post way too long…and I really don’t want to relive any of it. I will share one story, though, because I believe this is the one that turned me from wanting to do right by mother to feeling like “why bother”.
I was around 10-11 years old. My mom was grocery shopping. I took the initiative to vacuum/dust the main floor of our two-story house. I took care of anything out of place or that needed wiping up in the kitchen and washed the one glass that was in the sink, leaving it in the dish rack to dry. I did it all to please my mother; hoping it would make her happy, that it would be one less thing for her to do.
She came home with bags of groceries which my brothers and I helped carry into the kitchen. After a while I asked if she noticed all the housekeeping chores I did. To which she replied: “yeah, but you left a glass in the sink”. My heart sank. My balloon of inner joy was popped. It left me feeling: “why bother doing anything, it’s never enough.” To which over time I’ve translated it into “I’m never enough”.
With that experience, I’ve put this limiting belief into play that: “why bother taking care of things, it’s never going to be enough”. The funny thing is, when I do get into spurts of cleaning or decluttering, I love how it makes me feel to see it all neat and tidy afterwards. A few days or weeks later, it’s all a mess again. Then I start all over. I’ve created this vicious cycle.
I’m just realizing that these “spurts” cycles are my 10/11 yo self replaying the drama of that day. Each time hoping, wanting, and waiting for her approval and it never comes; which then leads to the “why bother” portion of the cycle.
Why is/was her approval so important to me? I want to know that I’m good enough, that I did a good job. In my youth, she was the main authority figure who could grant me that wish. It wasn’t enough for others to tell me I’m good enough…I needed to hear it from her.
Well this took an interesting turn, giving me a deeper revelation into the whole “approval” thing. Learning this today gives me a better idea of where to go from here.
That’s it for now,
Maureen
The Mandala Lady
inspiring and encouraging creativity, curiosity, and play through the art of mandalas
ABOUT “A JOURNEY INTO JOY”
With all the anxiety and stress in the world right now, focusing on joy may seem a bit counterintuitive. Mais contraire mes amis. We actually need more joy in our lives…now more than ever. And it starts within each of us. It’s been my experience that when in that higher vibrational state of joy, it helps raise the vibration of those around us as well.
Brené Brown defines joy as “an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation”. Of late, I mostly experience only moments of happiness and on a rare occasion, joy…thus my desire to journey into joy.
My quest throughout this year is to explore, experience, and express this state in a variety of ways, including following a variation of the hero’s journey, as professed by Jospeh Campbell.
Care to join me? Here’s how…
MandalaoftheMonth.com: On the first of the month, I’ll create and post a mandala for coloring. Each month we’ll take another step along the “journey into joy” by following a modified version Joseph Campbell’s a hero’s journey. Included in each step will be a description of the step and prompts for coloring and/or journaling for the month. You’re welcome to color them as well…they’re free to download.
MandalaoftheWeek.com: Each Monday I’ll be posting my coloring of that month’s Mandala of the Month, which will produce 4-5 colorings of that design. With each one, I intend to dig deeper into the message of that month’s mandala. You’re welcome to color along as well.
Mandala of the Week 